Man, this past month has been CRAZY... but in some of the best ways. I've been learning a lot about myself and bits of the world.
I've been reading this book by Dan Allender called To Be Told. As many of you probably know, I'm a huge fan of that Allender feller - thanks Dave Synowiec. Basically, it is about discovering the themes God has placed in your life and finding the ways God has specifically designed you to reveal His glory. Intense. This requires a lot of "reading" of your personal and even familial past and present. Once you begin to discover your own personal themes - what passions, history, stories, flaws, desires, and convictions - you can begin to embrace the pen God has given us to fill in the skeletal future with purpose, passion, and intention. Wow. Yes, please, and thank you.
"I have reflected many times upon our rigid search. It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us, on the inside, looking out." Alex in Everything is Illuminated
I'm always amazed that when God tries to teach me something, I can see it nearly everywhere. What makes me, me? Were there members of my family generations before me with similar passions, struggles, stories? Did they pray that their work would be continued through generations? Which members were abused and started cycles of abuse? Which tried to end them? Which went on to greater things? What were their struggles? How did they overcome? What things did they want to be remembered for? What legacy did they leave? In what ways did they influence my family's values and which ones do I even unquestionably, unknowingly hold and live by? I want to search these things out to get an understanding of how the cyclical successes and failures reach even beyond myself and maybe even how to correct them. Maybe if I can understand these things on a personal and ancestral level, I'll be able to expand my mind and work with others to understand the roles cycles/themes play in a grander, historical and present level. Maybe I could live out my themes on all three levels. Or maybe I'll just have more questions and feel overwhelmed, but it's worth a shot.
What are my themes? While I have been learning that themes can be discovered and named, I have been finding them in the midst of some great joy and deep pain that I'd much rather avoid and ignore. Achk, I feel like God has been revealing some of my themes to me, almost unconventionally, of late. Some words that come to mind?
Being wanted, being rejected.
Self worth vs. worthlessness.
Being pleasant/pleasing - especially to others.
Passion vs. idleness and despair.
The power and struggles of real love/community.
Provision.
Honesty and truth vs. manipulation and deceit.
Inspiring growth and life vs. escape/stunting/death.
There is so much! All the while I often take a step back, look at the beauty of the trees bursting with vivid greens against the stunning blue sky, hear the birds chirping, smell a breeze carrying the scent of flowers and fresh cut grass and think, "wow, life can be really beautiful in its simplicity." Let's just live right now and not over-complicate it.
But all of those things are still there in that time of personal simplicity and peace. I am laying on this piece of grass, looking at the world through a western lens because my ancestors wanted this land and maliciously killed or psychologically oppressed whoever stood in the way. I can reason "well, that was terrible of them, but now we are much more sophisticated and would not oppress people in such terrible ways for greed or pleasure." That would be a lie. I am laying out here, watching the moon while a 14-year-old in Las Vegas is being pumped with drugs and forced to meet a quota of 8 customers tonight so she does not have to be gang raped by her traffickers. I can go home and enjoy a roof over my head, warm clothes, and a nice cup of tea. But I certainly did not gather the materials, build the house, sew the clothes, nor pick the leaves myself. Where did they come from? Did the people who prepare it for me have a place to live? How old were they? Were they paid or were they threatened with rape and torture? Human slavery is alive and well, and America is one of the biggest buyers. Sometimes I want to sit next to the slave, trafficker, and consumer to just admire the sky together - each of us in awe of the beauty and remembering the bliss of simple humanity.We can't be blind anymore. We can't mindlessly indulge on these cycles that rip the humanity of some people so that the "elite" can live comfortably. How do we begin to reverse this? How do we bring peace, healing, understanding, and compassion back to the world? Maybe by beginning with ourselves - remembering our own humanity - our faults, passions, joys, struggles, and cycles. Remembering the cycles of our family and working to break addictions to feeling superior and putting the "inferior" "in their place." Maybe by working on diminishing the demand side of slavery by being smart about what we buy and in what activities we engage. Maybe by understanding the themes in our lives, finding what breaks our hearts, and using that passion to team up with others working for similar goals.
Yes, this is what my journey has consisted of as of late: discovering and desiring to discover more about myself currently, my past, my family, and the general trends of people in history and today. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. There is so much! So much history, so much cultural diversity, so much individual and large social contexts! There is so much good and beauty, and there is so much filth and unfathomable destruction. We should want to know more of both and to discover what the heck God desires to write with us here. But it is of little worth if we hold these convictions just in our heads; Eventually, we'll explode. Therefore, it is essential that we actually pick up the pen and write. God has a beautiful story to unveil - each detail capable of showing an ounce of the essence of His glory. It is our honor to be the hands that get to help it unfold. As of late, God has been teaching me what that means and has been preparing me to write with Him.
