It Is Finished!!

FREEDOM!!!!

How it echoes and reverberates through my soul. Where once was desolation, fear, resentment, insecurity, and abuse now comes a garden, wide open spaces to frolic and rejoice in God's love. Freedom. Surreal. So real.

Hallelujah to a God who wants me to have this freedom more than I do and who leads me in perfect timing to attain it. Wow, so many hidden snares of the devil and myself have been unmasked. Hallelujah that God has been unveiling them to me and has been sweetly walking with me to redirect me to Him. Hallelujah, God You are SO good!

I used to love plunging into my soul to uncover what was wrong with me and try to sort it out on my own accord. I wanted to git-r-done, learn as much as I could and sort through as much garbage as I could. But I didn't realize how, by doing this, I was totally leaving God out or demanding that He heal me now. I was completely ignorant to His timing and steps. I was missing out on His heart for me.

Wow. Conviction. I can rest. There will always be things wrong with me. And perhaps being preoccupied with fixing ourselves or finding what's wrong with ourselves and dealing with it is a sin that keeps us from a pure relationship with God. Instead of always being in need and opening scabbed wounds, we should be searching out God's heart. Our focus should not be in making ourselves perfect but in finding out more and dwelling in God. Ah, so much better. Such relief! And while we are doing this, the Holy Spirit will call parts of our unclean soul to make itself known, and we (God and myself) will work through it together. This life isn't about me becoming perfect anyway. It's about glorifying God.



"God glorified is a man fully alive." This is true. God did make us and loves us so intensely. He wants us to be fully alive. That will come as we delve into Him. It's not up to us to fix ourselves. It's up to us to be open to God's love and let His Spirit transform us and move through us. Amen.

Today God opened my eyes to what forgiveness truly is. I have been terrified of the thought of forgiveness because I did not want to let the people who have certainly done injustices to be free from the debt they owe. I wanted them to understand what they did and pay. What I didn't realize was that I was paying for not forgiving them more than they were. The consequences of what they did were able to fester in me and manifest in awful ways. Why? Because by not forgiving them, I've kept my attachment to them connected and alive.

When someone screws us over, we have a heavenly contract with them to make them pay. By forgiving them, we sever that contract, that bond, and surrender the person to God. Now that person is not under me, but in God's hands. That person is now free to feel God opening their eyes to what they've done - feel the pain, remorse, regret and see the havoc they have wrecked. And that person is free to run to God in repentance (the true meaning of the word - being transformed and not living that way again). Then, they can see and experience God's love and yearning for them in full, and God can work with them to make them the person He intended them to be. Redemption. So good. One who would destroy life would be redeemed and join the team of bringing life. Woot woot! ...But, if they don't receive God's grace, then God can make them pay way better than I can. Either way, evil will be defeated in the end. Amen.

I don't have to wait until the day Jesus comes back to begin healing and to grow closer to God. Today, for the first time in 19 years, I have experienced true freedom and peace through sincere forgiveness. I am done with cycles of trying to figure out the extent of my hurt (and consequently, probably inflicting more hurt and self pity on myself). I am done with living in the consequences of their actions. The battle is already won. Jesus has already taken on the sin of my abusers so that He can claim me back as His precious daughter. He has patiently waited for me to understand that I can't save myself nor hold on to these things to identify myself and gain love.

For the first time in over 19 years, I feel like I've truly forgiven those who have marred me and have reclaimed my name as Daughter, Bride, Friend, and Beloved of God. Redeemed, beautiful, claimed, sought after, a city no longer deserted. I've let go and have fallen back into the arms of a God who will not rest until my righteousness shines out like the dawn. A God who has formed my heart, every desire and shape, and who has promised that He will complete the work He has started in me. I am God's, and I'm not going to let dumb mistakes of man keep me from Him. Amen! I have released my bond with them to God, and I am free to live with Him.

The walls are tumbling down. Amen.









Current song picks to freely frolic to - hallelujah ;)
Sweet
Freedom

photocred = Josh Warner

The Loving Heart of God

Father Heart of God
Water. Real, wet water naturally existing in the desert. We hiked up a Mount Charleston incline steady yet steep enough to leave us panting for breath when we came to this mini oasis. There was life - some plants and more small bugs than I've seen my whole trip (minus the roaches).

Some people began climbing the waterfall. This feat required strength, length, and the ability utilize the few footholds available via log and stone and to maneuver in between some of the gaps. I wanted to be able to climb to the top, but it looked pretty intense, and would have been quite a jagged fall. Simon, a great, fatherly man from Uganda, asked if I wanted to go up. I was feeling quite fragile. I said it would be awesome, but I don't necessarily feel compelled to. He said "I will go up for your sake."

The climb up and back was quite difficult, but possible because of Simon's direction and help. It was SO worth it. It was beautiful up there - beautiful water dancing between the rocks, birds soaring into the crevice where we were and into the clear, blue sky. Wow. God is beautiful. My heart began to feel the loving Father heart of God through Simon's desire to help me where I couldn't climb to experience the magnificent beauty of God. God knows what I can and can't do; He knows what I desire. He knows I can't do what I'd love to do, but meets me where I fling myself and directs my feet to meet Him in His beauty. He wants to experience the climb with me, and He does.
Photo cred: Meredith Kinney
In pic: Josh Stateham

Lessons Learneding
DTS = Discipleship Training School or Die to Self. Amen! This week, my heart has been so tried and exercised. Wow.

Honestly, to try to portray everything I've learned would be to write thousands of pages and sacrifice my writing style for the sake of typing it all in a short period of time. We'll start with this little bit.

Free to Bring Life and Death
God has been plunging into my heart and has been making me aware of the assumptions that have kept me from knowing who He really is and being close to Him.

He truly does love all of the time. He genuinely does not want us to be hurt, to be oppressed, nor to hurt others. He did not want me to be abused, He did not plan for people to rape others, for fathers to leave, for mothers to abandon, He does not set people up to be beaten and killed, does not create people for others to harvest their organs or force them into refugee camps. This breaks His heart. But He can not "fix" or "stop" it because He loved us enough to give us free will.

That is a strange and sour statement after such a grotesque paragraph. Let me explain.

Jeff Pratt eloquently explained this concept by portraying a story. There was a high prince who was loved, awed, feared, and revered throughout all of his kingdom. Yet, he fell in love with a mere peasant girl. If the prince were to approach her in all of his majesty, she would either feel compelled to marry him because of his stature out of plainly fear, awe, or obligation, but not out of genuine love. She may feel unworthy because of how lowly she is in comparison. But he loved her as she was so dearly. He could not simply go out, bring her to his castle, and bring her up to where he was, because of the previously stated reasons, so he decided to lower himself, take off his crown, and win her heart as a humble man. This enabled her to have the free will to love him or reject him out of her own will.

This story explains God's disposition to us in salvation as well as every day life and decisions. We can choose to embrace God, fall utterly in love with Him and His lifestyle, and strive to live more and more in His essence and ways, or we can turn from Him and build up walls to keep us from Him. This is our will. We are free to love Him and choose life, and we are free to build walls and bring destruction. Both happen from all of us. Both actions result in consequences for ourselves and others. God gave us the power to do this. We make mistakes that lead to mistrust, coldness, hardness, hate, abuse, murder, et cetera.

Yet there is hope. God's heart still breaks over us, and He still desperately loves, wants, and desires to redeem us and to call us the names He made for us. While we bring the hurt, He also enables us to intercede and bring life and hope back to those who have been oppressed. Wow. There is hope. There is life. Change can happen.

The Holy Spirit is in us, amen! God calls us to be His friend, to press into Him, follow Him through His joys and pains, and to move where He calls us to to bring back His children. His children He created so beautifully, wonderfully, and fearfully. The royalty who have been abused, have been lied to, have been called desolate, stupid, abused, victim, unworthy, filthy, unloved - lied to! He wants to call them back by the names He gave them - loved, worthy, righteous, innocent, lovely, redeemed, clean, healed, and desired. We have the Holy Spirit in us to speak these truths and life back into His people.

So what's stopping us!? Yes we are all broken, we all hold misconceptions that keep us from the truth of God's life and love. But let's dare to press into God. Let's allow Him to search our hearts, bring up these things, and in it's time sort through it and bring us closer to understanding His good essence. Let's grow. God, pour into us Your truth so we can pour it out into others! So many are missing out on this expansive, rockin, out of this world love that brings back life, unity, peace, and ultimate glory to the Giver and Maker of Love. Gah, I can't even express.

Dabbling in a Desert

Up to Saturday, 8-20-11

Wow... Two weeks, and I've been learning a messload of great and challenging stuffz.

Where to begin?


Brief Overview of the School

Orientation was just that - orienting. I came to the DTS not knowing much about YWAM let alone their discipleship training schools. Apparently there are a bunch of them all over the world, and the main priority for this is not necessarily to spend all of our time fighting against human trafficking. I've been learning that the focus is to really tune into God and what He wants to do with my life. Wow. Intense. A full 6 months of doing nothing but drawing closer to God, learning about Him, and applying what I learn to real life situations - especially human trafficking.

This passed week's topic was "Hearing and Obeying God." Sounds pretty standard, right? But it's SO intense! Learning how God speaks to us now, learning the consequences of responding/ignoring, and actually applying that to life! Learning how to listen for direction/movement in my own life as well as interceding for others; Learning the importance of really knowing God's word to fight against opposing/false direction etc. And man! God is SO good! The word is really coming alive to me!

Our speaker, Paul Childers, is working on memorizing the New Testament and has already learned a bunch of it... I want memorize the whole Bible! So good! Ah, I've been really digging Ephesians and Ezekiel 37 - check it!

Spiritual warfare is also so tangible here in so many different forms. From people getting random migraines that have gone away through prayer/rebukes of the devil's attacks at intense/enlightening moments to breaking down strongholds that have been holding people back from truly knowing God and hearing from Him. There's SO much!


Outreaches

Walter Hoving Home
Last Thursday we went to a place called the Walter Hoving Home. It's a pretty intense ministry that takes in different girls - some have been prostitutes, strippers, drug addicts, abused, or just going through a really hard time. The staff members all have been through the program themselves and can minister to the new girls coming in. The girls had certain assignments and tasks as far as housekeeping and daily devotionals and Bible reading. They went on trips, can see counselors, and were involved with the local church.

They were all so hospitable and quite incredible in their own ways. Some were unsure about what they were doing and why they were there, and others were so excited to be there and to get their life going in a different direction and fully discover and become the beautiful women God made them to be.

I loved hearing their stories. I really wanted them to know that I didn't see them as "bad people" or even as the labels they've been given - "whore" "prostitute" "druggie" "worthless" etc. Gah! They all had so much beauty and potential! I am so excited to pray with and for them and see how God works in their lives.

Some people don't stay there very long and do end up returning back to the lifestyle they have lived before. If you could pray for them and the ministry, that would be so fantastic. Seriously, spiritual warfare is huge. There is so much life and growth for these girls, and the devil hates that and wants to destroy as soon and craftily as he can. But God has given us the grace and option of choosing life thanks to the powerful, able Name of Jesus. Let's use that, gosh darn it! Let's not belittle the power of the devil, nor underestimate the power and authority of God and the place He has for us for intercession!


The Strip

And, oh, the "glorious" strip... *angsty sigh*

Last night, around 9:00pm, our lovely team of 13 students plus staff joined together to prepare for our outreach to the strip. Ah, I love our team!

Since we'll have many times to do outreach, we weren't given a whole lot of direction for this visit. We were told to just be who we were and talk to the people we felt God was telling us to talk with. Sam, the fellow helping to lead this outreach, prepped us by asking us to name why we, individually and as a group, are here in Vegas. We did an exercise where we mingled around with each other and just spoke life and truth into people and remember the truth about who we are. Sam reminded us that it is easy to remember our lovely thoughts of being children/princes/ses of God in the comfort of the base, but once we step onto the strip, those thoughts will shrink and the stilettos will look so huge.

We each named our fears and hopes for going to the strip, and prayed against/for them. Sure, the devil has some hefty strongholds there, but God was leading the way there, would be with us there, and would be there after we leave. And he's got a mass army of angels ready to beat up some devil hiney! He's so big and boss! Heck yeah!

As often happens, I felt a pretty strange, slightly anxious, but mostly hopeless/futile when driving into the strip. Usually when God is about to move in big ways, I feel the opposition pretty easily/consistently - especially before and after. On the highway, we looked to our right and saw a big stretched hummer limo with the back window down to expose a purple, neon-like glow and a woman sitting/facing a fellow, glass in hand, and a smile/wave/wink to us and other cars passing by - certainly advertising.... Is this real?

On the strip, we partnered up and made ourselves open to hear and follow where God directed us. Walking down the steps of the Bellagio, I passed a woman who seemed quite frenzied. She was breaking up some ice behind bushes, and dumped it in a cool full of water bottles. As she began walking with it, I asked her what the water was for. She gave me a confused look, and I repeated my question. She said "Oh, one dollar." All the while, she was looking around her, a look of almost fear and desperation was in her scattered gazes. But my partner, Cherilyn, and I continued on.

We sat down with a lovely lady who was making flowers and hearts out of dried palm. She told us that she picked up the trade while she was struggling to provide for her kids. She had quite an intense story. Cherilyn and I prayed for her, bought some of the flowers, and continued on.

We felt kind of frazzled and not exactly sure who to talk to or what to do. We had about two minutes to meet back with our group, and I again saw the woman passing out water. I passed her, and felt God nudging me to go back and talk with her. I walked back, and gave her the palm flower. Oh God, speak through me - what does she need to hear? What does Your heart long to tell her? "God wants you to know that he thinks you are so beautiful and He loves you." She looked a little confused, and her gaze was still darting about as if she was scared of someone watching her. I asked her if I could pray for her, she didn't really respond. I closed my eyes and began to pray that God would show her His love and protect her etc. I looked up about halfway through my prayer, and she was staring at me in either confusion or wonder. After the prayer, she searched the crowd again, then gave me a big hug and said "thank you." Tears were lining the rims of her eyes.

Looking back on it, I am not sure if she really understood English. I really feel like she was probably trafficked - her darting glances searching for her trafficker, afraid of appearing unproductive.

I couldn't take it. "Singing in the Rain" began playing while the Bellagio fountains danced in the air and lights. Families, couples, friends, and tourists pressed up against the railings to watch in wonder, laugh and enjoy. A screen of showgirls were right on the other side of the fountains, trucks advertising "hot girls, delivered to you" passed by, "flickers" who were probably trafficked as well, continued to pass out cards of naked women and numbers, and that lady was still there, holding the palm flowers - a beautiful daughter of God, lost in a mob of darkness.

How can people enjoy this place? Why do people come here? Their entertainment and joy is built upon slavery and terminal death! I discovered I had a hard time believing that there was actually any hope for these atrocities. God works through all testimonies, right? So maybe He wants them to be where they are now, and He will redeem them when He sees fit.

The next week (this past week) was the Father Heart of God week. In this week, God has challenged a lot of my misconceptions about who He is and how He loves us, His beloved creation. (Insert dramatic music to intensify cliffhanger to next blog here c; )

Departing. Arriving.

Here I am!

Here I am... I just realized what I typed after I typed it... Here I am... reminiscent of Isaiah? Probably.

It's 1:21 am here in Las Vegas, and about 4:21 am back at the home places... and I don't feel I could sleep right now.

It was hard packing and leaving home. After a night of hanging with some lovely friends and eventually sharing hearts and brains together, I came home and started bawling. It's beautiful to watch people and relationships grow. It'd be easy to say I didn't want to go because of you, my friends, but in the same breath, God has often empowered me through you. Thank you for challenging me to be uncomfortable and to get dirty and bleed for God.

Uncomfortable. Yes. While packing/preparing these past couple of days, I kind of began to lose sight of why I was going. This trip didn't seem real (and still doesn't :-P). It became a "yes, I'm doing A, B, then C" logistics, but was losing the connection with God for the ideal of the trip. Does that make sense? I guess I was focusing on what I was leaving rather than what I was picking up. I want to remember now :-P

I hate packing. I didn't know how much not/to bring, and my suitcase ended up being heavy and awkward - I think I overpacked and left out some important things (such as the correct sort of travel bag for outreaches). I want to get better at this. I want to be prepared. I want to get rid of all of my stuff and just rely on Jesus. I explain this in a very physical sense, but I also mean it in a spiritual sense.

I want to get rid of the crap. All of it. The dumb distractions and idols I set before myself, the layers of security I build between myself and the true character and true community with God. I don't want to lose sight of God for obvious barricades such as thinking/doing generic bad things, but I also don't want to lose Him in my ambitions for ministry/missions/outreaches. I don't want to lose him in the priority that I place in relationships and friends. These latter things are great things, but when I consider how I spend my time thinking about and acting on, these things are certainly becoming idols. Idols. Things that are taking time from God rather than glorifying Him. I want to be rid of the crap so I can be completely present for Him. Here I am.

Here I am in Las Vegas. I step out of my second plane, and BAM! So much advertisement everywhere. It's nearly ridiculous. The epitome of distraction and our culture's desperate desire for entertainment and self satisfaction. Gah. Am I here for Las Vegas? Certainly not, and I was excited to hear some of the staff (who are super awesome) say they weren't fans of Vegas either. So why are we here? Because God wants His love to move in this place. And I think God's pretty awesome, and I want to be there with Him wherever He will let me go.

Well, I believe my brain may be mushy and my eyes super heavy from sleeping probably about 8 hours total (maybe) in the past 3ish days. I feel like I didn't type everything that I wanted to, but I suppose it'll have to wait until another post.

Tomorrow... today (lolz) is going to be a "rest day," and that is exactly what I want to do. I want to cut off my idols and completely rest and prepare myself to be completely open and receptive to God's heart, essence, character, and will. Oh LORD, let it be so!

For those interested, I'd super appreciate prayers for myself, the staff, the volunteers, outreach, etc. I think this is going to be super intense and a pretty hefty target for spiritual battle. Pray that each of us, individually and as a community, will fervently seek out God, that He will meet us and truly be with and through us. In Jesus's Name, keep the devil far from this/us. Amen!