After a few days of feeling pretty dead (natural after weeks of upbeat work, however enjoyable, without rest), I felt some crazy, unattended convictions that needed reflection.
Ah, reflection. We do everything we can - checking cell phones, FB, etc.- to avoid looking unproductive or bored for something as silly as thinking. It is nonetheless so necessary.
After days of avoiding reflection, God tricked me into it. I watched Les Miserables with my family, and I couldn't help but burst at the seams with passions that needed reflection. Here are snippets from my journal entry (the "You"s refer to God... I kinda prayer journal ;) ).
3-31-13 9:30ish p.m.
It is scary delving into pain, but it is necessary and beautiful with the right support.
From Pain to Happiness to What Now?
Loss of love, dreams, and innocence is so real.
I've known it.
But a long healing process has brought me to a place of beautiful happiness. I've found steadfastness in You that I've never had before. It's glorious. But I've discovered I've built walls. Walls to protect me from feeling the pain of the past. That in and of itself is not so bad, arguably healthy. But the problem lies in the lack of empathy and sensitivity I've had toward people of whom "life has killed the dream [they] dreamed" (Les Mis). Earlier in life, my life's goal was to cry with the broken hearted and let them know that they were not alone. Now, it terrifies me.
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| Me not being sensitive. |
Maybe that's because I have been missing something:
It's not enough to cry with the brokenhearted.
Sure, it's glamorous in snapshots. But the reality of it is a day by day living it out - living alongside people through deep conversations, funny jokes, crazy schedules, and lazy summer days. Can I partner alongside people with Your hope and empathy? Cry alongside in honesty and rebuild again in truth? These are the scariest things.
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| Hide and... well, stay hiding. |
Maybe it's time to stop hiding from abuse/brokenness. A time of selfish happiness was nice - it taught me that it is not shameful nor shallow to be innocent, optimistic, and happy. But let's not be ignorant.
I've been hiding, afraid of losing the joy and new found innocence, only to find the joy is hollow and fragile if not shared and lived with others who need it. Christ came and indubitably had joyous, carefree times, but He also came to suffer and bind up the broken. And He was dang good at it - the movement hasn't died.
But it does get messy. There's lots of follow up. What do you do after you stir a heart to bleed again? I can't do it on my own. It overwhelms me.
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| Just realizing the complications isn't helpful. |
The heart of it is God: Truth, love, empathy for brokenness, grace, healing, understanding, and perfect timing.
"This is what we are about: we plant seeds that will one day grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces effects far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something and to do it well. It may be incomplete, but it's a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the LORD's Grace to enter and do the rest."
-Compline qtd. from Dan Emerick
To be honest, I am awful at loving people. I can't do it on my own, nor was I meant to. Great thing is, we are not alone.
God, I've got a lot to learn. Thank You for Your grace and patience with me. This is a crazy road we're on, but I can tell You're teaching me lots. I love You. Help me to know, love, and trust You more. I'm not so great at it most of the time :P
