Reflections I : Empathy is not the End

Reflections on Reflecting:
After a few days of feeling pretty dead (natural after weeks of upbeat work, however enjoyable, without rest), I felt some crazy, unattended convictions that needed reflection.

Ah, reflection. We do everything we can - checking cell phones, FB, etc.- to avoid looking unproductive or bored for something as silly as thinking. It is nonetheless so necessary.

After days of avoiding reflection, God tricked me into it. I watched Les Miserables with my family, and I couldn't help but burst at the seams with passions that needed reflection. Here are snippets from my journal entry (the "You"s refer to God... I kinda prayer journal ;) ).

3-31-13 9:30ish p.m.

It is scary delving into pain, but it is necessary and beautiful with the right support.

From Pain to Happiness to What Now?

Loss of love, dreams, and innocence is so real.

I've known it.

But a long healing process has brought me to a place of beautiful happiness. I've found steadfastness in You that I've never had before. It's glorious. But I've discovered I've built walls. Walls to protect me from feeling the pain of the past. That in and of itself is not so bad, arguably healthy. But the problem lies in the lack of empathy and sensitivity I've had toward people of whom "life has killed the dream [they] dreamed" (Les Mis). Earlier in life, my life's goal was to cry with the broken hearted and let them know that they were not alone. Now, it terrifies me.


Me not being sensitive.


Maybe that's because I have been missing something: 
It's not enough to cry with the brokenhearted.

Sure, it's glamorous in snapshots. But the reality of it is a day by day living it out - living alongside people through deep conversations, funny jokes, crazy schedules, and lazy summer days. Can I partner alongside people with Your hope and empathy? Cry alongside in honesty and rebuild again in truth? These are the scariest things.



Hide and... well, stay hiding.


Maybe it's time to stop hiding from abuse/brokenness. A time of selfish happiness was nice - it taught me that it is not shameful nor shallow to be innocent, optimistic, and happy. But let's not be ignorant.

I've been hiding, afraid of losing the joy and new found innocence, only to find the joy is hollow and fragile if not shared and lived with others who need it. Christ came and indubitably had joyous, carefree times, but He also came to suffer and bind up the broken. And He was dang good at it - the movement hasn't died.

But it does get messy. There's lots of follow up. What do you do after you stir a heart to bleed again? I can't do it on my own. It overwhelms me.



Just realizing the complications isn't helpful.

Let's get back to the heart of it. Is the heart that we are all broken? Is the heart that we're all shattered and in need/missing something? Surely it's a part, but not complete. Is it that there is marvelous joy and complete happiness - again, merely a part.

The heart of it is God: Truth, love, empathy for brokenness, grace, healing, understanding, and perfect timing.

 

 

"This is what we are about: we plant seeds that will one day grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces effects far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something and to do it well. It may be incomplete, but it's a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the LORD's Grace to enter and do the rest."

-Compline qtd. from Dan Emerick

To be honest, I am awful at loving people. I can't do it on my own, nor was I meant to. Great thing is, we are not alone.

God, I've got a lot to learn. Thank You for Your grace and patience with me. This is a crazy road we're on, but I can tell You're teaching me lots. I love You. Help me to know, love, and trust You more. I'm not so great at it most of the time :P

Succulence

I want to live
             Succulently
                       with myself 
                                    other ladies
                                                 and fellas


I want to be alive and live wildly, gratefully, and succulently.



                  I don't want to be jealous.

~wasting time
~~wishing to punch people in the face while simultaneously stalking them on facebook
~~~feeling inferior.
     Instead, I want to turn that silly energy into inspiration - loving what is beautiful about other peepz. Or I could just simply remember that I have rockin parts, too.

I think I need to initiate more. I've been hermiting much too much. I need to make friend dates, make people feel special and create times and environments for people to be
                Open 
                                                 and  Free
                                     to be
                                             Succulent 

Parks,        dancing,       Picnics,          Dresses,    Learning and Sharing Favorites,
  Travel,        LOUD or soft music,              Planting,         Inspiring Thoughts
Starry nights,        Discovering Favorites,                Movies,      Books
      Loving Inconveniently,         Challenges,    Dreams,    Steps,        Fears,
Previous Accomplishments,            Embarrassing Mistakes,        Taking Risks,
    Loving People Who are Hard to Love,     Truly getting to know the people of which I am jealous with joy and without prejudice.    

Maybe not being inhibited by "Nice Rules" that sacrifice REAL connection, realness, and goodness.

Maybe time and resources are tricky, but there is certainly time to carve into to take creative and loving risks.






Inspired by:
~Jesus ~Sark ~Paul Rice ~Barbara Brutt

For the People Pleasers

I was once told that some people may like me now, but if I were to actually move in with them, they would see who I really am and wouldn't be able to stand me.

I realized that this is what terrified me.

Challenged by this book (Succulent Wild Woman by Sark), I decided to grab the bait and bring this business to God. 

What about this is scary? That if people are around me too long, they will lose interest? Yes, in part. If I am not entertaining or pleasing to people constantly, then I am not worthy of love. And since I've seen and felt many times that I can't be pleasing to everyone, then my being does not possess anything loveable. And that is one of my biggest fears - not being worth anything and not having nor being able to give love.

Wow, even writing that out, I can see how that is terrible logic... Amazing how just naming things helps to process and bring light to core things that affect lots of our anxieties/thoughts/actions and seem insuperable.

But let's continue investigating this darkness and get out all of those pesky little roots.

I began talking with God about it. There is a reason this is scary and a valid fear. People do tire of other people. People do have qualities that make you want to run away and just forget them. I have these qualities, and even worse, I've seen myself react to people in this way... So, what the heck, God? We're just kind of screwed? 

Then I felt Him say something like 'You're right. People do get bored with each other. There is misunderstanding. It is impossible to fully know and fully love another person. Nobody could ever fully know you and love you. But I do. That is why it is so important to love with My Love.'

I could never truly love anyone out of my own will. I've tried. It's very self-centered, and I get too anxious over silly things, there is no room for grace (especially for myself), and my value and sense of self worth is placed on other people who actually don't have it all figured out either. 

But when we value and love people because God values and loves people, the love is true, pure, life giving, and firmly rooted. It won't depend on emotions, it won't depend on stature nor time. It will see the hope and rejoice and work together to share and bring Love back to the ultimate source. 

To do's:

-When feeling anxious about situations - check in with God and see what's up.

-When wanting to back away/avoid people, check with God's perspective

-Listen and follow where He leads, not what I feel like doing nor even what other people want from me. 

God, Your love is crazy. I don't understand it, but I am SO grateful to be a part of it. 

You frikken rule.

 I like You a lot.

The Battle for Patpong

After 3 1/2 extra hours of lost travel, God brought us to pray in the Patpong red light district.

There we found a woman waiting to be bought standing in a doorway, hiding her face for the tear running down her cheek.

A middle aged westerner smugly sat next to a five year old Thai girl at a restaurant table.

Walking under signs advertising "Fetish," "Super Pussy," "Hot Males" et cetera, we declined countless offers for "ping pong shows."

Streets of women, men, and young people for sale. Some kind and inviting. Some blank and upset. Some happy to talk about life and Jesus. Some looking at us with distrustful stares.

(Rahab Ministry in Thailand is actually located in that building as well. It's an awesome, innovative place for healing and a safe place to build relationships. Hallelujah!)

But God is in those darkest places. His power and force to bring down these strongholds are much greater than any foothold man or demon has on that place.

While prayer walking with my partner/leader, Sami, we felt an extra heaviness on the road for the guys working in prostitution and otherwise. We felt God calling us to walk up and down the road several times - bearing in mind the walls of Jericho. We felt God telling us that He's going to bring down the walls Satan has put up in that place. Hallelujah! So, we did. We felt quite ridiculous, and I don't think we were alone in feeling ridiculous. The street wasn't very long, so the same people watched us pass back and forth. I could see them looking baffled, and almost uncomfortable to be there. With every step, we began to feel the place lighten up.



Many people came up to us and asked us to come get a massage, go into their bar, take a look, etc. Our hearts yearned for these people to truly know love that isn't bought and abandoned.

We talked with a kind fellow who gave massages as well as a bar owner. The Thai culture is a lot more relational than American. The worker was very sweet and spoke very good English. We talked a bit about where he was from, what he does, etc. He talked with us about what he likes to study and do. He said this is a part time job. The bar owner has two kids and recently wrote a book. He said he is first Buddhist and secondly believes in Jesus. He asked us to pray with him for the success of his book. We prayed for God's fatherly love, vision, and blessing be revealed to him and his family. He said he felt better after we prayed for him.

Each of these people are real people. They are not just a label - prostitute, pimp, etc. They have lives, hopes, dreams, families, stories, a life. And man, my heart is just growing for them... Ah, that they might find life and love to the fullest and purest as it was meant to be! Oh that God could speak and breathe life, truth, freedom, and vision into them. Oh God, my heart aches and yearns for them, how much more does Yours! God, may Your love and redemption explode all over Thailand and blow these people away. All for Your glory and love.