Somedays, progression is overwhelming. Sometimes the ignorance to progression is what keeps one dangerously stagnant and apathetic.
Last quarter as a whole was great, like eating plain salad leaves (and not the juicy, iceberg kind). Honestly, it was great. The battle cry of this school is to rise now, rise new. Well, hallelujah, thank You, Jesus, I'm learning a crapload about my identity and the insecure crutches to which I've been clinging.
Thrust into a school where vulnerable, transparent artistry is demanded in dance, academics, and in a life of community, I wanted to take my slippers and go home. In juxtaposition, I wanted to check all of the deeds off of my list, please the teachers, get the best grades, and pat myself on the back.
Where am I in all of that?
Where is God in all of that?
Where is the actual growth?
What is progression?
False. The enigma of artistry is when you set out to make "good art," your work will probably suck. A dear, God-send friend, Chris Bezek once encouraged me "You have to see yourself as being excellent. But you have to let yourself fail so that you can become excellent."
If I cling to perfectionism or constantly pleasing others or myself with what I create, it will be empty, shallow, and less authentic than my deeper and broader potential. Taking risks is hard when you don't know from where your value comes and don't know who you are trying to please.
My friend and "one on one" mentor, Sherisa recommended taking necessary self dates. When in places of change, it's easy to lose yourself. Having dates where you just hang out with yourself and God is a great way to stimulate inspiration and to feel alive and yourself again.
Cray how we feel we can lose ourselves. Obviously I'm myself; Who else could I be? I'm only now coming to a place where I feel pretty grounded again - after about 5 months - and am getting ready for another shift. Friends have come and gone, and I've realized that my friends, family, and even my own identity are not reliable/steadfast foundations. I am brought to the simple fact that God is truly all I can draw on for my validation and, well, anything.
7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.
-Philippians 3:7-9
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